This post is referred to this one http://aku-ayie.blogspot.com/2011/08/wordless-thursday-eh-ada-jugak-ek.html which I posted a few hours ago. Before I go on, permis me to talk in english, cause it's more polite than my usual aku-kau. Cause I feel weird with saya-awak. Anyway, enough jibber.
I know some of you were surprised, in fact some commented on my status and were eager to know why I stopped wearing the niqab. Wearing the niqab and who ever wore it is a noble act. And I respect these people so much, NOT because of what they wore, but because of their pure hearts, longing for Allah's love through their actions. It was a wonderful experience for me and I thank Allah for giving me that opportunity to feel what other niqabi felt under their veil of faith.
Getting ready for my come back to university for the next semester. I thought about it alot of times, in fact replaying everything in my head before I go to bed. I put myself in my future shoes and try to feel what it will feel. I imagined myself not wearing the niqab in campus, and putting it back on out of the gates. I imagined myself a teacher. Not wearing it inside of school and putting it on after school hours. It seemed so real, and acceptable in my mind. Smiling cause somehow I knew I can do it. But thoughts of it somehow popped into my mind at times when I was alone. I felt myself a hypocrite. And it killed me. I felt uncomfortable of being like that. I know I said in my vlog, to not think about what people would say about you not being istikhomah. But you know, it wasn't the niqab, it wasn't the people around you, it was just myself. Maybe that is why scholars want us to be ready and istikhomah before wearing it.
Maybe I was rushing on things, but still wearing it made me feel much more better! It was just of not being istikhomah that pulled me down. Was it JUST because of not being istikhomah?
As you all know, I made two vlogs in a niqab and I was surprised to see a high rise in the number of subs. I had about 10 rises in two days, which was...er.. weird. And people were commenting real nicely. Somehow it felt wrong. This wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted to share what I had learnt, but people were somehow attached to me (or what they thought I was like). I wasn't fond of the attention though. I'm scared of being riak! T.T
They were supportive comments but still I felt weird. Maybe I should close the comments box in the future? lol. One thing that makes me different from other vloggers, is that I anggap my subscribers as my friends. I treat them all as my friends, and so I want them to be my friends as well. But by the looks of it, it seems as if I'm getting subs cause they want more from me! (ok, now I sound paranoid) I just don't want people to put a big expectation on me. Cause I know if they do, they will be really upset with me if I don't reach their expectations. I know some are already upset cause of me now not wearing a niqab. See? Oklah, I admit, I tend to change my mind at things too much. =.='
Another thing was, I started to feel different ever since I got a call from a group of friends who invited me to break fast together. I turned down the invitation thinking what it would be like, breaking fast with a niqab on. Yes, there is an option of turning my back against my male friends but it would seem quite rude and inappropriate since I've known them too close to do something like that. I gave an excuse that my mom had already cooked (well, she did, alhamdulilah). But turning down on my friend's request disappointed me, cause I'm those kind who would never say 'no' to a favor or request from a friend.
I don't blame the niqab and those people who still wear it, or are just learning to wear it. Keep on wearing it. Experience it for yourself. Different people, different opinions, different background. After all, niqab is sunnah, and it's not wajib. But still, like I said, if you want more of Allah's love, embrace it, I did. Even if it felt good for awhile.
Actually from my experience wearing a niqab, I think Allah wants me to know that Allah is pleased with my efforts, but Allah still loves me if I were to stay all covered and spreading da'wah. The niqab was my hijrah to a more better me. I learned alot from it. Wearing a niqab, you can't just wear anything suka hati. Baju at least kena lepas paras punggung, jeans xleh ketat sgt, skirt kena kembang, tudung pun kena lepas paras dada. Easy to say, you have to be fully covered and ready to wear the niqab. :) and I wasn't those girls who were perfectly covered. At least from now and onwards I'll be cautious with what I wear, and spread da'wah to those who don't know or 'buat-buat tak tahu'.
It was kinda tough communicating with some people, the fact i sounded quite muffled wearing the niqab (in public, with all those other noises). but the nice thing about my experience was being surprised to be greeted REALLY nicely by a chinese guy. Huhu. and to be liked instantly by two young children. (never happens in my life)
To those that thought i was fooling around, and faking being a niqabi, my family are witnesses and I got evidence. LOL. I bought my own cloth from Kamdar, jahit my own set of hijab labuh (4 colours) with their niqab pieces. Menyesal? NOT AT ALL! Cause when I'm ready I'll be wearing them. Who knows if I get to marry a guy who supports my niqab wearing. Amiinnn... With his support, I might be even more stronger. :P Even if I'm not ready, I'll still be trying them out, and wearing them in public whenever I feel like it, cause like I said, "Only you and Allah knows your intention. So selagi masih ada rasa ingin, JUST DO IT!! Don't think about what people will say. :)
I hope this sums up everything. Even if I did a vlog on this, it would be too long even if I edited it. Apa-apapun, I changed AGAIN, but i'm still the old me :)